Recovering From Infidelity

By Author: James Walsh
Total Articles: 68
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Spousal infidelity, we know, is not a rare occurrence, yet none can tolerate such episodes in their own marital life. Each (revealed) instance of adultery rakes in untold pain which finds no comparison. The victimised spouse experiences such deep-rooted agony that they begin doubting if they lost their sanity.

A Glance into the Mind of the Victimised Spouse

If you are the aggrieved partner, you might be experiencing such a myriad of emotions that you will vacillate between anger, hate, fear and self-blame. You may begin wondering over your very capability of being a good spouse. Even society would question your abilities and somehow believe that you have driven your spouse into the arms of the lover.

Yes, it is a strange world, which believes that the victim has denied the requisite love or affection and hence the adulterous liaisons. In all probability, such an image of yours would have been projected by your offender, who seeks to assuage guilty feelings thus.

The adultery of your partner and the subsequent events that follow, will lead you into a battle of recouping your lost self-esteem. Victimised ...
... spouses feel abandoned and lose their confidence, when they are replaced by someone younger or better-looking. When trapped in such a situation, they even question the very principles on which their marriage is based and ponder if marriages are meant to wither with age and fading beauty.

Betrayed spouses also grapple with anger, which is another powerful emotion. After spending years being faithful to the marital mate, if one is rewarded thus, bitterness and hate are bound to prevail. However, it is important that you rein in your negative emotions, for the immediate task at hand is to face the impending challenge.

Should You Divorce or Rebuild Your Marriage?

Divorcing your cheating spouse is the easiest way out. Such a solution might at best temporarily redress your grievous wounds. You can consider working at your marriage, if your spouse has confessed and is ready to atone for the wrong done.

Quite a few experienced people say that it is possible to rebuild a marriage after spousal infidelity. It is hard to believe them especially after suffering such deep pain and loss of trust. Healing is possible, but you must recognise two important factors:

It takes years to rebuild a relationship

Your marriage will never be the same again

It takes years to rebuild the marriage, for your old marriage stands destroyed. You are building up a new relation and the extramarital affair of your partner has changed you as a person. Before you embark on the difficult expedition of rebuilding your relationship, we have a few tips to offer.

Tips for the Victimised Spouse

Your anger is justified and you should definitely vent it, but expression of your resentment should last for just a while. Do not slip into the habit of constantly berating your spouse. Secondly, you may feel like getting the details of the intimacy levels shared between your marital mate and the third person. Though it is natural to be curious, refrain from questioning your spouse. The particulars of the intimacy levels shared will only aggravate your anger and delay the recovery process. Finally, realise that proceeding forward with your marriage, while constantly glancing backwards is impossible.

Advice to the Infidel Spouse

Rebuilding the relationship takes plenty of time and it will definitely test your patience. Do not expect a quick-fix solution to this vexed issue. You have deeply wronged a person who trusted and loved you and it will take time for the afflicted to recover. You can speed up the healing process, by repeatedly reassuring your doubting spouse, that you have terminated the extramarital relationship permanently.

Both of you must address the root cause that led to the development of such a situation. (It is a generalised belief that men cheat for physical reasons while women cheat for emotional causes.) Seek the help of a marriage counsellor, therapist or a priest. They will help you find the problematic zones of your marital life and suggest appropriate rectification methods.

Make a sincere effort at rebuilding your marriage. Though it is a difficult task, it is possible and worth a try. Your new marital relationship will definitely be much stronger than the old, for it has been tested by the fire of tribulation.

James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you would like more information on how to get a quickie Divorce see http://www.quickie-divorce.com