How To Fight Subliminal Wizardry

By Author: Aaron Spetner
Total Articles: 14
Comment this article

The new Harry Potter book is all the rage. But it can be dangerous to the uninformed, naïve individual.
Well, the new Harry Potter book, "The Armpits of the French" (scratch-and-sniff) is out. After all the hype, I must say that I am pleased. At first I thought it was a bit extreme for people to dress up as characters in a strange book series and camp out by bookstores waiting for it to be released. My thought was, "Are these people deranged? Have they nothing in their lives besides some childish stories?" The answer to those questions, sadly, is a resonating "yes" (if you have never heard a "yes" resonate before, buy this book - it will do wonders for you). Now, I find this a bit troublesome. I always perceived books as something to read when trying to pass the time, say when being forced to inhale the wonderful varieties of body odor that are provided free of charge on our nation's public transportation systems. In such cases, books sometimes even become a necessity (weapon, if you will), for example, when you are trying to get your point across that, "NO I DO NOT HAVE ANY SPARE CHANGE!!!!" But this Harry Potter ...
... book promises to be good. Well, the book doesn't promise anything, but aren't the multitudes of fans that are going crazy about the release of a simple stack of papers (granted, they are bound and have words printed on them, but still...) indicative of something that must be, at the very least, mildly enjoyable? The answer, as you and I are both aware, is "no". These fans are crazy. Who goes crazy because of a book? Are you trying to tell me that the Harry Potter author, J. K. Rowling, is superior to Mark Twain? I think not, for if so I would have read all of the Harry Potter books. Another thing is that I saw some of the boxes that the books came in. On these boxes were instructions ordering that they not be opened before the twenty-first of June. What can possibly be the reason for this? My immediate assumption was communism. Why else would the entire world be gripped in hysteria about a simple work of literature? The pieces just seem to fall in place. But in order to avoid making any rash, impetuous judgments, I called up a retail bookstore and spoke to a woman whom I immediately identified as a deranged individual with as much common sense as a bullfrog tadpole. This woman told me that the reason was a contractual agreement with the publisher. I started to believe her but as she spoke I noticed that she was very carefully avoiding terms such as "socialism" or "soviet" or the color red. I noted this as she spoke and continued talking with her. I asked her several questions; such as "did you read the other Harry Potter books" and "why on earth did you read them" and "do you think it is better than Shakespeare?" It was around then when she told me "A book is meant to take you away into a different world." Now wait just one minute. What does "a different world" mean? Does that mean "a world without capitalism"? Does it mean "a communist world where people are not allowed to make money and are forced to read every Harry Potter book"? Why would anyone want to visit such a world? And while I am asking questions, how would a book take you there? Well, I did not even need to ask these questions, because this wonderful, strange lady at the bookstore then told me that she plans on listening to the latest Harry Potter Book on tape. Can you believe this? Not only do the communists force their ideals upon us via books, but now they also have tapes; tapes which obviously are filled with subliminal socialist propaganda. Now, you are probably asking, "Aaron, please help me. Please show me how to save myself from this Harry Potter cult." Well, do not despair; I am here, with full creativity. As those of you who followed my cruise missile plans probably know, my ideas are great. And as soon as you get out of jail, I invite you to try "Aaron's Harry Potter Disease Removal Process". This procedure will cleanse you of the filthy Harry Potter Brain Invasion (referred to henceforth as "HPBI"): First, you must take all of your Harry Potter paraphernalia, stack them in a single column, and cover it with a red flag. Next, take a canister of gasoline, douse the column, drink one cup of it, and pour the rest over your clothes. Light a 12-inch torch and, holding it high above your head, walk around the soaked column 12 times while chanting this verse: "D'nim eht stor rettop y'rahh". At this point you have attained the stage of "Senizrac Y'Tinasni". Using both hands, hold the torch outward above the column and scream "M'sinummoc Eid! M'sinummoc Eid! M'sinummoc Eid!" Now drop the torch onto the pile. Lastly, lean into the flames long enough so that your clothes ignite, and run outside screaming loudly (No, this last part is not crazy. I saw in the paper that Iranian demonstrators performed a similar feat last week). Do NOT put out the flames. There. You should now be completely cured from HPBI. This cure, however, is not one hundred percent proven, so I suggest seeing a doctor afterwards... just to be sure. About the Author Aaron currently works as a software/web developer and writes in his free time. He also runs a growing web-based discussion forum at http://www.chitchatforums.com. His personal work is on display at http://www.spetnik.com.