Fair Negotiations: Getting What You Want From A Marriage In Healthy Ways

By Author: R Moss
Total Articles: 5
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There is one fact that is true for every spouse. Everyone wants more positive and less negative aspects in their marriage. As should be obvious to everybody, there is no person who enters into marriage in hopes that they will have less enjoyment and more distress. Unfortunately, many people find what they did not bargain for when they said, I do.

The reality is that few people know how to negotiate for what they want from their spouse. This leads to unhealthy relationship behaviors, such as avoidance of one's spouse (e.g., working excessive hours) or destructive arguments. In other words, a spouse may try to coerce (e.g., guilt induction) their partner to do what is desired or look elsewhere.

The first step in learning how to negotiate in healthy ways is for each spouse to decide what they would like to receive from their partner and the things they wish to see decreased. It is best to be as specific as possible as to the behaviors they desire. In other words, it is not very helpful to simply say I want to do more things together. It is helpful to say exactly (e.g., catch a movie, increase intimacy) what each spouse ...
... desires the other to do with them, even to the point of thinking about how often.

In couple therapy , or even a marriage counseling book, negotiating fairly may take different forms based on a therapist's theoretical approach. However, the next step is usually one of having each partner share the information. Once that occurs, a discussion can follow as to whether the partner is willing to do the desired behaviors. If so, then there can be a discussion as to the conditions under which the behavior could be done.

Once agreements are done, it is helpful to actually write these down as a behavioral contract which clearly specifies all details and responsibilities. Both parties then sign this contract. In couple therapy it can be expected that each spouse will have a tendency to recall what was actually agreed upon differently as time goes on. The written agreement prevents selective memory.

Some couples can effectively use a marriage counseling book to implement negotiating fairly, though many will find it takes couple therapy to achieve it. Regardless, it can be very helpful for those who learn how to do it.