Tolerating The Airlines

By Author: Aaron Spetner
Total Articles: 14
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The airline industry is frustrating to deal with. Learn how to cope, and you will be the happiest passenger.
NEWARK, NJ (Spetnik.com) - I am at the airport right now, about to embark on a short domestic flight. Now, before you start feeling sorry for me, let me tell you that I am genuinely excited. I actually enjoy flying on commercial airline jets. The lines, the tickets, the terminal, the gate, I love it all. Now before you deem me clinically insane (you won't be the first - I have done it myself), let me explain why I like it so much. Most people hate flying. They hate checking in and answering useless questions, they hate going through the metal detector, they hate those little uncomfortable terminal seats, and they hate how no matter how early they get to the gate, they are always the last ones on board the airplane. That last item must be the worst, because I notice that as soon as the gate agent picks up that little microphone, every passenger waiting to board my flight (sometimes passengers from other flights join, just to make it seem like I will never get on the plane) rushes en-masse towards the gate ...
... as if there is someone giving out free airport food (an extremely rare, exquisite, and expensive item, as you veteran flyers all know). Sometimes I think that maybe I should try to get into that line just to see if maybe they really are giving out food (just out of curiosity of course - airport food has an acquired taste, one that I have yet to identify with). However, I restrain myself and stay out of that line, as I am terrified of getting cut by those used razor blades that people bring on board to deposit in the lavatory slots designated for this purpose. Now, before you get all judgmental on me for not understanding how everyone has a miserable time at the airport, let me clarify something. I do understand. I used to be the same way. Until one day, while at the airport, I stood back and observed that if I do not take part in the misery being experienced by everyone, I will have a great time. In fact, my main source of enjoyment at the airport is sitting and watching everyone tear themselves to pieces over each slight spec of dust that blows the wrong way (the FAA is aware of these dust-particle-irregularities (DPIs) and are working hard to figure out the maximum amount of money possible to spend on a solution). My fun starts at the check-in counter. As I stand in line, I first pay attention to the most conspicuous people - those that are probably going to miss their flight. A typical case will be a husband and wife (constantly arguing), accompanied by one or two children (the mother yelling at them every two seconds, with the father trying to calm her down, which results in more arguing). After observing instances like this for a few minutes, I naturally get bored with their childish antics so I look for more fun. About now is when I see the fellow attempting to maneuver a suitcase three times his size. This guy is huffing and puffing and wheezing. His eyes, still attached to their sockets somehow, are actually protruding from his scull. Now, as you all know, the airlines have a strict weight limit policy wherein you may not check in a bag that weighs more than three pounds less than the weight of your largest bag. Failure to comply with this policy results in a hefty fine. But this man thinks he's smart. He thinks he can outdo the airlines. The grand, awesome, mighty airlines that advertise unbelievable deals which are for some reason always available, except for when you travel. This man's plan is simple, yet genius. Genius that is, if you are a cantaloupe. Our body-bag friend believes that by propping the luggage on his foot while it is being weighed, the scale will display the wrong weight, thereby saving him from the fine. Instead, however, the mass of his valise cracks every bone in his foot, causing his entire body to slump onto the scale along with the bag, forcing the agent to fine him more than he paid for his ticket. I would now like to retract a statement made earlier in this article for fear that it may have offended some readers. In case there are any cantaloupes reading this article, I completely recall my comment about this man appearing to you as a genius. Honestly, even if his foot was strong enough to lower the scale reading, who would he possibly fool? This is a bag the size of Rhode Island (yes, Rhode Island is the smallest state, but most experts say that it can hold several humans when the correct conditions are present). Cantaloupe would definitely notice this. I apologize if I offended anyone. About the Author Aaron currently works as a software/web developer and writes in his free time. He also runs a growing web-based discussion forum at http://www.chitchatforums.com. His personal work is on display at http://www.spetnik.com.