Economy Survival: Where's Your Shovel?

By Author: Aaron Spetner
Total Articles: 14
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In hard financial times like this, we all need some good advice.
New York, NY (Spetnik.com) - Let's face it: The economy is in the pits. I know this because business articles stopped talking about bulls and are now focusing on less violent animals, such as Democrats (Haha, just kidding! I love Democrats! Really! Haha!). Companies are laying people off, and the number one issue on the minds of a select group of people is job security. The number one issue on the minds of the rest of this country's population is beer and scratching. But job security is still number two, narrowly having beaten the pressing issue of toilet-paper softness. This is extremely alarming, because toilet-paper softness can be the difference between comfort and eternal agony. I do not want to get into specific details, but a very close friend has confided that he finds that toilet paper which comes in a package with a picture of a baby on it raises disturbing questions about the mentality of this baby's parents. Think of what this baby has in store for him. I bet he cannot wait until he is in the fourth or fifth grade, and his classmates realize ...
... that it is fun to tease people about personal issues that are out of their control. I bet they grab him by those pudgy cheeks and drag him through the gravel schoolyard. I bet these are the children who spend three-quarters of their lives in padded cells. But back to my main point: Job security. Those of you working out in Corporate America know exactly what I am talking about. The rest of you are probably wondering where this country called "Corporate America" is, and why you never see posters for it in travel agencies. The answer is simple. Corporate America is a penal colony (not unlike Australia in the 1800's - or was it Canada?). Regular American citizens like you and me can be sentenced to variable-length terms in Corporate America for crimes such as job-interviews. Human rights activists, however, in an attempt to have this country portrayed as free and equal, have convinced the world's general population that working in Corporate America is a privilege. In any case, those people still working in Corporate America are extremely concerned about their jobs and something called benefits. "Benefits" is a euphemism for when a company steals money from your paycheck and uses it to buy you things that you may not necessarily want, such as taxes and insurance. But people love their benefits. And companies, in a gallant effort of reverse-psychology, are slowly taking them away from employees, while still taking money out of their paychecks. Now, because I have yet to write enough words in this article, I have decided to provide those concerned hard-working individuals out there with some insights on how to preserve your job. Follow these steps, and your employers will realize what an invaluable asset you are to the company (Side Note: If "valuable" means that they cannot afford to let you go, shouldn't "invaluable" mean that you are expendable?). Firstly, you must realize that your boss hates people who do everything perfectly. If all of a person's subordinates perform their functions flawlessly, then the boss's position can be eliminated. Your boss is there to point out your mistakes, and if you are good enough, fix them for you. Let's say for argument's sake that you shovel manure for a living, along with five fellow employees. While you are carrying shovels full of manure and dumping them into a huge pile, your boss can be sitting on top of that pile drinking beer. This worries him, because manure-shoveling is not a very sophisticated job. As long as you are shoveling properly, what is there for him to do? His superior will see this and fire him. In order to prevent something as tragic as this from happening, he will busy himself with such activities as randomly firing employees and replacing them. As long as he is occupied with that, he can keep his job. Now, as an employee, it is not very comforting to know that this is all that is occupying your boss's time. Therefore, you should commit several "accidents" each week. A good example would be confusing the manure pile with the corporate offices. Your boss will have to put firing on hold, spend several hours scolding you, and then another two days defending himself to his manager. As long as you keep him busy like this, he will not have the time to fire you. I hope this has provided you with some reassuring and helpful information on how to survive through this struggling economy. If you have any questions at all regarding these issues, manure-shoveling in particular, I would be happy to meet you. But please do shower first. About the Author Aaron currently works as a software/web developer and writes in his free time. He also runs a growing web-based discussion forum at http://www.chitchatforums.com. His personal work is on display at http://www.spetnik.com.