Helicopter Parents

By Author: Beth Costanzo
Total Articles: 159
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We see them all the time at my daycare. We lovingly refer to them as helicopter parents. Helicopter parents are parents who hover. They act on behalf of their child at all times, which hinders their child's independence, the learning of self help skills, and copying skills. Emotionally, children of helicopter parents have a difficult time handling situations. They don't know how to play and they need a lot of reminders or directions when performing tasks.

Parents who hover carry their children into school. They take off their child's coat, hang it up for them and put their backpack away for them in their cubby. When you coddle a child upon entering a place, what kind of message are you sending that child? They need coddling when they fall and scrape their knee, they need coddling when they have a fever, but they do not need coddling when they go to school. Parents should open the car door and let them walk into school carrying their own backpacks. They should tell their child to place his/her coat in their cubby, give them a kiss and wish them a great day!

Here is another example of a helicopter parent. I noticed ...
... a parent taking her son to use the bathroom. She pulled down his pants, and then his underwear. She then lifted him on the potty. We have those really small, cute toilets for children. They can easily get on by themselves especially at 3½ years old. When he was done, she lifted him off, pulled up his underwear, pulled up his pants, zipped and then buttoned his pants. Is this type of behavior really helping to make your child independent? It isn't teaching self help skills or independence. You must let your child try, and yes, he/she will make mistakes, but that is all part of growth and development.

Give him the freedom to make mistakes. He'll be fine!

Another important factor is the number of caregivers the child is with during the course of the week. He is cared for by a grandmother who is in her 60's two days a week, and he is with us two days a week until just after lunch. After lunch his other grandmother, who is in her 80’s picks him up for the afternoon. Then he is with his parents on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Each caregiver has different rules! Grandparents tend to be softies. My school rules are stricter, and there is there is a lot of structure during the course of the day! Would I put my grandchild in a "Stop and Think?" Probably not! I want them to worship Grammy. I will give them what they want and hand them back to Mom. I can’t blame my student’s grandmothers for doing the same. At pre-school there are routines, there are rules to be followed, listening and self help skills are learned, and independence increases. It takes longer to acquire independence if the child is not taught this at home, and when the child is living with four different sets of rules and expectations during the week it is that much harder to teach.

Parents need to decrease any drama when it comes to their child. If your child falls down, wash off the cut, place a band aid on the wound, give your child a kiss and send him/her on their way. There isn't any need to get grandma involved and too much emphasis on the situation is not good. You want your child to be able to cope emotionally with this minor mishap. My advice is don't dwell, move on!

We had a child start his first day and Mom, Dad and baby brother came along to wish him well. Guess how he did. Not so great! When it was time for Mom, Dad and baby to leave, he wanted to go to. He wanted to go to Grandma's with his baby brother. The next time he came, he cried, partly because his parents were making the morning drop off a family affair – even though they were coming in separate cars and had different destinations! I told Mom and Dad that one person should drop their son off and that they must leave quickly. It is like pulling off a band aid, you’ve got to do it quickly. We then established a morning routine. Put your stuff in your cubby, kiss daddy, and then we wave goodbye from the window. If parents stay, it just prolongs the agony. Once the parent leaves, we can re-direct a child into an activity and move on in our day!

All caregivers of a child need to be on the same page. If there isn't consistency, then it will not work. Set a routine and ask other care givers to follow it. Set rules and ask them to enforce them. If everyone works together, your child will be on the path to independence and acquiring self help skills that will stay with them throughout their lives.

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