That's Not How It's S'posed To Be

By Author: Susan Dunn
Total Articles: 2
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When things are not how they're supposed to he, how we suffer. Life events which assault our assumptions of how life should be are difficult to handle and require patience in the recovery, and rely on the development of strong emotional intelligence.

HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE

We set out in our adult life with certain expectations about how things are supposed to be. It's part of our upbringing, part of our culture, and part of the values imparted to us by caring parents.

You're supposed to get your degree, then get a job, then get married, says one parent. In another family the formula may be Follow your heart. If you love her, marry her. The rest will work out. But behind these life rules passed down are certain assumptions, i.e., job, education, partner, marriage, children.

We learn it about little things as well as big. He should have [was supposed to have] thanked you for that, says your parent, or He should've thought about that beforehand [that's what he was supposed to have done].

Basically we assume a natural order along with this. It may vary somewhat, but at ...
... midlife you're supposed to find yourself (1) married, (2) with children, (3) with a good job, and (4) money in the bank. Some time after that, we expect to have grandchildren, we expect to be able to retire well, and we expect to be OK financially. Behind these assumptions is the fact that we're supposed to have a good life if we do what we're supposed to. 1 + 1 = 2.

When this natural order of things, and our sometimes unmindful expectations, are not met is when trouble occurs. We suffer when we are forced to retire sometimes more because of the emotional affront than from the actual deed.

I say unmindful because often we aren't aware of what we assume to be our rights in life until they are violated. WE should never be burglarized, we assume, and are shocked when it happens. WE should never have a teenager in a rehab facility, we assume, until we find ourselves there. WE should get promotions, we assume, until we discover that the corporation where we work values other qualities rather than the fine ones we possess and ‘knew' would take us far. WE should have grandchildren, because everyone does, we assume, until the day our child informs us she plans to have no children.

RESILIENCE

What do we do when this occurs? It requires the EQ competency of Resilience, which means the ability to bounce back from failures, losses, rejections and adversity. The good news is that it will also build it. Most of all it requires emotional processing and growth.

Why? Because I could delineate here the logic and rationale that would lead you out of the turmoil intellectually (if only that were possible). The cold, hard facts are that we don't always get what we want, that tragedy occurs, that children die before their parents, that the best of workers gets fired, that there are no guarantees the one you love will love you back, that you can maintain a strict health regime and still need a bypass at 55, and that a cushy retirement is a phenomenon produced in the minds of a generation whose parents never expected such.

But does this help? No. In fact it sounds cruel. This is what happens to OTHER people, we will always think, and if one of these adversities occurs, we will struggle with the question, Why me?

Sadly, the more appropriate question is Why NOT me? and how that hurts.

The acts of 911 brought this actuality to the lives of many people who hadn't experienced it before. This could never happen became a reality and it shook our foundations. This is what resilience is about. It's about what do we do when we land on another planet, when we lose our moorings, when nothing makes sense, when the sun we expect to rise every day one day does not, when the things we believed in no longer hold true.

Resilience involves flexibility and forgiveness. Forgiveness of ourselves, of other people, of the random universe, and for whatever spiritual expectations and beliefs we held, and the flexibility to cope with something entirely new. These assaulting events cause us to reorient, to think things through at the deepest level, and to learn new ways of not just adjusting, but of adapting. We may even be called upon to have a metamorphosis, like the tadpole. It can feel like you're a creature with gills who lives in water who is suddenly required to grow lungs and breathe air.

While we continue to hope and believe that bad things won't happen to good people (like us!), it's wise to work on developing your emotional intelligence so some of these skills are available when you need them. Once you understand the fundamentals, you can begin applying them to small matters in your life. It's like flexing your muscles. You'll be glad you did!

HOW TO BEGIN

You can begin by taking The EQ Map ( http://tinyurl.com/z94t ), an emotional intelligence assessment. Then take The EQ Foundation Course (see my website), read some EQ books ( http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html ), and work with an EQ coach.

Many people who begin this journey say, It's the missing piece.
About the Author
©Susan Dunn, MA, Personal Life coach,
http://www.susandunn.cc . Offering The EQ Foundation
Course and other Internet courses, coaching and ebooks
for your personal and professional development.
mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free ezine. I train and
certify EQ coaches. I train and certify EQ coaches. Email for information.