Enlightenment And Longing

By Author: Julius Givens
Total Articles: 10
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Through the years I continued to go to Gangaji retreats and to other retreats and events held by self-realized teachers who supported spiritual awakening and enlightenment. While I deeply appreciated the others, in a spiritual sense my heart belonged to Gangaji. When I was in her presence I experienced bhakti, the quality of heartfelt devotion that is described in Hindu tradition. As a Westerner I never dreamed of experiencing something that was so foreign to my culture.

Also, I began a journey of deepening into Consciousness as the true nature of my Being. Oftentimes, as my thoughts arose, I would observe them as if from a distance, and then they would disappear into that from which they arose. More and more, I would watch my thoughts, emotions, body and circumstances as not really being who I am. I came to see that which comes and goes that which appears and disappears, as not real, but only indescribable being as real. I had read about this as relating to enlightenment and spiritual awakening in some eastern traditions. I had identified as Witness Consciousness, seemingly existing in an area above and away from ...
... the back of the left side of my head.

Over time there developed a very high degree of non-attachment to my body, thoughts, emotions and circumstances. There was also greater space between my thoughts, and when they arose I was able to watch and let them go instead of identifying with and following them. I truly was in touch with a level of inner peace on a day-to-day basis that I hadn't experienced before. I was more aware, sensitive and compassionate. I was less judgemental and much more accepting of things as they were. My quest for enlightenment and spiritual awakening was definitely paying off.

I had realized my true nature as Pure Consciousness. I believed that I was no longer seeking. But there was a longing that I felt that seemed at odds with myself as a non-seeker. This longing hadn't been addressed in the countless books that I had read about spiritual awakening and enlightenment. In early 2002 I went to my seventh Gangaji retreat and didn't get much out of it. In the past I had experienced such joy, nourishment and inspiration. In the fall of that year I went to another retreat by a very gifted realize I knew. I was very impressed with him and the energy he put into the retreat, but again it left me unfulfilled. I began thinking about other spiritual teachers who might possibly give me what I had received from Gangaji until my last retreat with her. The old ways of getting spiritual sustenance were failing me. My spiritual awakening seemed somehow incomplete. It was like I was at a crossroads.