Creating Dynamic Relationships - Giving The “a” First

By Author: BJ Sanders
Total Articles: 2
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An inspiring article which looks at overcoming the biggest causes of relationship upheaval; judgments and competitiveness. The solution is offered on what we can do in relationships that matter to us that will overcome these poisonous habits.
Our culture is based on competition. We compete for grades at school, in sporting events, through job interviews, and for promotions at work. In many cases, competition drives excellence. Judging, measuring, and grading others against a set of standards assists in screening and simplifies decision making. On the flip side, competition wreaks havoc when we unwittingly use it in relationships we want to build. Competition and judgment can cause anxiety and fear of failure. Competition can stunt creativity by actually limiting the amount of risk someone is willing to take because they are driven by avoiding mistakes. In the book, The Art of Possibility, co-author and orchestra conductor/teacher, Benjamin Zander, describes how he took the principle of competition and turned it on its ear by a process termed, Giving an A First. With his highly competitive music students, ...
... Zander began a school year by telling everyone in the class that they had already earned an A for the course. To receive it, all they had to do was to write a letter to him, dated the end of the term, stating what they had done to receive their grade. Zander's students excelled in the environment he created by doing this. Free from the intense competition of striving to get the best grade, his students actually became better musicians. They were willing to follow their intuition and risk playing their instruments in new ways. I had a similar experience with an employee a number of years ago. She was selling advertising and applied for a sales supervisor's position. In looking at her resume, I saw she had the many of the basics of what it took to be a marketing manager. In interviewing her, I found she was not the best candidate for the sales position, but I really could see her in the marketing position. I spoke with a wise colleague who assured me that if I had that much confidence in her, she would thrive. And she did. I had given her an A before she even knew the position was available. Knowing I believed in her enabled her to grow into the new responsibilities without the fear that I would be angry if she messed something up. As it turned out, she was a great marketing manager. So where in your life do you have a relationship that would transform if you simply gave the other person an A? Where are you saying, If only he/she did , then everything would be fine? Imagine if you saw your child, partner or boss as an A student. Would it make a difference in your relationship with them? And what about you? Are you giving yourself the A? Or is self-criticism limiting your experience and joy? You are your most significant relationship. And, the more confidence you have in yourself, the more confidence you will have in everyone around you. I invite you to give yourself an A for the next year. Date a piece of paper for one year from today and then describe what has happened in your life that earned you this high grade. Describe how your life has changed because of it. Please note you are not grading the external world or unanticipated challenges you may face. You are grading yourself. Our relationships transform when we start to look at them the way Michelangelo viewed a piece of raw marble. He simply sought the beauty within as he chiseled away the rough material. Instead of endlessly trying to improve yourself or others, just look for the beauty within! About the Author BJ Sanders,is a certified coach working with successful professionals, technology executives, scientists and engineers on business and life issues. She is also publisher of the popular e-course found at: www.FiveStepsToAPassionateLife.com For a free subscription to her newsletter, send a blank e-mail to: bj-23216@autocontactor.com