Enmeshed Family Dynamics: When You’re Too Tight-knit

By Author: Serenity-Your Wellbeing Studio
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Have you heard of ‘mama’s boy’ syndrome? Although this is not a formal diagnosis, it has commonly been used to describe a relationship where the child is infantilized by the parent and they are codependent on each other. The children seem to be passive, immature, and are poor at socializing. They are described as ‘babies’ and calls to step up might result in them becoming anxious and depending more on their parents (Khan ,1971). In family therapy, this kind of relationship is called enmeshment.

This concept was introduced by Minuchin (1974) and describes families where boundaries are diffused and the over-concern for others leads to lack of autonomy. It is characterized by a level of closeness inappropriate for their ages and reciprocally controlling, intrusive behaviors with a lot of distress in the face of separation (Goldberg, 2008; Marvin & Stewart, 1990). In attachment theory, this has been described as ambivalent/preoccupied attachment. Both theories highlight the risks of such relationships and how a disengaged partner along with an over-involved partner who tries to seek closeness from the child ...
... as a substitute for the detached spouse can lead to unhealthily symbiotic relationships. These dysfunctional patterns then permeate to the next generation (Rothbaum et al., 2002).

While there have been gender and culture differences with Western cultures evaluating such relationships as more maladaptive and dysfunctional and women more likely to be the victim of inadequate boundaries, in general enmeshed dyads have been associated with negative outcomes such as poor emotional regulation, relationship quality, anxiety and depressive symptoms (Barber & Buehler, 1996; Jacobvitz et al., 2004; Kivisto et al., 2015; Mayseless & Scharf, 2009; Petrican et al,. 2011; Rothbaum et al., 2002).

There are several circumstances and forms of boundary violations that can contribute towards this family pattern (Khan, 1971; Mayseless & Scharf, 2014)
Role reversal: When children forfeit their own needs, and share the family’s burden it can come at the cost of their development and identity formation. It can range from household duties to emotional help, advice giving and serving a protective parental figure.

Parental involvement: The parent has little activities to engage themselves and derive much pleasure from the child. They can also be self-centered.

Triangulation: The child becomes the centerpiece of the marital relationship and the mediator of all conflicts. In a sense, the bond between the parents and their caregiving role is undermined and the child becomes the carrier of this responsibility.

Blurring of psychological boundaries: The enmeshed individuals become an extension of one another with a shared identity. The child does not have an individual identity when it comes to emotional or functional domains.

Illness in early infancy: This might have required the parent to care more for the child, but this extra attention continues as the child develops regardless of the situation.

Psychological control: The parent resorts to tactics denying the opportunity to make decisions, withdrawing love, instilling anxiety and maintaining their power position which can hinder identity or autonomy development.

Guilt induction: The parents induce guilt and deny the freedom of expression. They are coerced into complying with the wishes of the parent and there are difficulties in expressing displeasure.

Overcoming Enmeshment:

There have been several propositions on how enmeshment can be overcome, although many such interventions ought to be viewed critically as they are theoretical rather than data-based.

Listed below are some strategies that can reestablish a healthy family dynamic (Garber, 2010; Williams & Hiebert, 2001):

a. Parental education: Teaching parents to keep their children out of adult conflict and educating them on how they are projecting their unmet needs and dysfunctionalities onto successive generations can be insightful. Enlisting multigenerational examples of effective parenting, irrespective of the caregiving relationship can fulfill the parents needs and prevent them from burdening their child. Technology can be harnessed to effectively communicate such solutions.

b. Re-establishing new roles: In therapy boundaries can be redrawn and a child can return to an age appropriate role. Gestalt therapy techniques such as the empty chair can help elaborate on the role of each family member and how they can contribute towards healthy functioning of the family.

c. Watching out for barriers: The process renegotiating roles can be threatening and breaches can be met with blame. Moreover, the family might be comfortable in their respective roles of being pampered or having excessive authority over the child. Hence, it might be vital to identify the deeper power dynamics that catalyst such dynamics and reinforce security through the process.

d. Balance the “I” and “We”: Typically enmeshed families don’t have any fences and each one is allowed to step into the other’s boundaries. Balancing this and bringing them to the middle of the continuum where they take care of each other and maintain their autonomy is pivotal.

e. Guilt: As such families live on the principle “I scratch your back, you scratch mine”, any changes can lead to grappling with guilt. As the family is educated about the role of guilt in reinforcing the current dynamic, it can be viewed objectively and even exaggerated. Identifying the statements that they should take care of each other and replacing it with healthier thoughts can be helpful. This would encourage them to take the onus of being happy and not depending on each other. Verbal reassurances which are non-reactive can aid in delivering a message effectively.

Serenity - Your Wellbeing Studio(https://serenitystudio.in/) is a reputable mental health facilitator dedicated to providing comprehensive care and treatment for individuals struggling with various mental health challenges. We help by using a combination of evidence-based therapies, innovative treatments, and personalized care plans, Serenity provides patients with the tools and resources they need to overcome their mental health issues and lead fulfilling lives.