Relationships Telling Lies And Honesty-00-6290

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And as many of us perceive honesty to be the cornerstone of our relationships with our partners, we are wired to seek the truth however painful this may be, before we can make our informed choices on whether to stomach things, to forgive or to forget.

On the other hand we may be willing to excuse a white lie if we can be persuaded that our partner is motivated by good intentions.

Our partners are similarly faced with grave decisions about whether to tell us the truth or not and this can be a challenge especially if they do not know what the other partner's reaction is going to be.

How many of us would spontaneously tell their other half something that could spoil our domestic bliss or, cause a rift? In seeking to maintain their approval, we may sometimes feel obliged to tell a white lie. But when does a lie constitute a mere effect of weakness? And when should we take great care to avoid grief and breach of domestic union?

Consider for example the case of a wife lying to her partner about how much she spent on a handbag. Why did she lie? Was she seeking to protect her image as a financially prudent ...
... person or, was she seeking to avoid the potential risk of infuriating her husband about a perceived frivolous expense.

Depending on the circumstances, a lie maybe interpreted as an excusable indulgence; a human foible that can be overlooked or a betrayal of your partner's trust. Many would agree that the price of trust is beyond measure and when faith is eroded, we find it harder to give second chances. Hence a conscious decision to tell the truth (or not) can have far- reaching consequences.

On occasion we may act in haste for fear of loosing our partner or being perceived as a cheat. However we may live to regret the feelings of guilt and anguish that can eat away the harmonious relationship that we are so desperately seeking to protect.

Most relationships would benefit from a few tips:

Agree that honesty is a priority: Deciding as a couple that you both want open and considerate communication is an incredibly important step in establishing honesty ground rules.

Talk about what you need, not what your partner needs to do: John Gottman, a well known psychologist and expert on marriage and relationships, recommends a 'softened startup'. Example: I'm feeling overwhelmed lately. Would you help me identify some ways I can get some more support? When someone is approached "honestly" about their shortcomings and lacks, it is understandable that they may get defensive and refuse your request or seek revenge later.

Identify topics that are off-limits: Even after you've decided to be honest, some topics are too difficult to tackle, especially if they've been problematic historically in your relationship. Setting some ground rules about what issues shouldn't be talked about at first is probably a good idea.

When necessary, wave the white flag: Intense discussions are often difficult and exhausting. If you're trying to be honest with each other, make sure you allow one another to "drop out" at some point for a cooling off period. Example: I want to resolve this with you but I need a few minutes to cool off. Can we take a ten-minute break?

Be mature: An honest conversation with a loved one can be undermined by name-calling, derisive remarks, or belittling contemptuous comments. Try to avoid that.

Aim for progress, not perfection: Nobody is perfect. Honesty in a relationship requires trust, time and tolerance - And the recognition that you are not perfect either!

About the Author:

To tell the truth or to risk the consequence of telling a lie? The Couple Connection.net http://thecoupleconnection.net/ tries to shed light on what makes relationships work. By taking a look at http://thecoupleconnection.net/articles/honesty and truth in our relationships, we can sometimes start to understand our own relationships a bit more and then take steps to try and make them work better.